


between a mistake and a kiss

by nightswatch



Series: Aces Rookies in Love [3]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, IKEA, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-05 03:57:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11005497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightswatch/pseuds/nightswatch
Summary: In which Ezra Stevens, #29 of the Seattle Schooners, misses his best friend, comes to terms with being in love with him, and takes him to IKEA.





	between a mistake and a kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Written for all the people who asked for something from Stevens' POV and for a prompt that asked "what Stevens was thinking from The Almost Kiss up until The Actual Kiss".
> 
> If you've read the main rookies fic, the last bit of this will be somewhat familiar to you.

When Stevens thinks about that moment in Kelly’s parents’ kitchen – Kelly right next to him, so close, leaning in – he can’t seem to remember how exactly they got there. It happened suddenly, both of them a little tipsy, both of them smiling, gravitating towards each other. Stevens doesn’t know if it was his fault, or if it was Kelly who leaned in first. It doesn’t matter anyway.

They didn’t kiss.

They barely talked about it the next day.

Maybe it’s better this way, because kissing your best friends is a terrible idea no matter the circumstances, and telling your best friend that you’re in love with him is completely ridiculous, and wanting to be in a relationship with him is too. They live too far apart to make it work. Stevens couldn’t be there for Kelly the way Kelly might need him to be. They wouldn’t be together, not really.

It might even ruin their friendship and that’s the last thing Stevens wants.

Although, even now, weeks later, Stevens thinks it was a mistake that they didn’t really talk about what happened, but it’s too late now, and things are mostly back to normal between them, so Stevens doesn’t want to bring it up again. He wouldn’t know how.

It’s hard not to keep thinking about it, though. Kelly texts him a lot, and Stevens finds his thoughts wandering back to last summer so often that he, almost without wanting to, takes a step back. He doesn’t check his phone as often as he used to, doesn’t reply as quickly, says he’s busy when Kelly asks if he has time to talk on Skype, and maybe not talking to Kelly is just as bad, and maybe Stevens has never felt this guilty about anything in his entire life, but he needs some space.

And he knows he’d hurt Kelly if he told him, so he pretends that he has a lot on his plate right now. Maybe Kelly sees right through him, maybe he hates him for it, but Stevens ignores all of those maybes and tells himself that it hurts less this way.

*

They play in Vegas on his birthday this season.

And because it’s his birthday, he hugs Kelly on the ice, and after the game, when Kelly waits for him outside the visitors’ locker room, in a gray suit, his hair tousled, he hugs him again. Stevens holds on for a little longer than strictly necessary.

Kelly gives him a book, one he’s wanted for ages, and it’s signed, and it hits him once again how well Kelly knows him, how much he cares, and Stevens can’t and won’t stop smiling about it, no matter how much the guys chirp him for it.

When he’s back in his apartment in Seattle, he takes his new book and stands in front of his shelf, considering where he’ll put it. It needs a special place, because it’s a special gift, and he knows he’ll look at it and smile and think of Kelly. Except every thought of Kelly comes with that strange twinge in the pit of his stomach these days, so maybe he should actually put it behind a bunch of other books, so he won’t be able to see it.

It still ends up with the rest of his favorites. Of course it does.

Even though he’s really struggling with this, with falling for his best friend without a warning and without a chance to do anything about it for so many reasons, Kelly is one of the most important people in his life. Nothing has changed about that.

*

Stevens spends Christmas Eve at Oaksy’s place with a bunch of the other guys. Most of them are knackered because they were on the road for a couple of days before Christmas, but it’s still past midnight when Stevens gets back to his own apartment. It’s dark and quiet and it doesn’t feel like Christmas. He only put up a few decorations – Kelly would be appalled.   

Kelly texted him a while ago, but Stevens doesn’t open it until he’s home: _just got home, will never move again, holy shit, swoops killed me with all that food_

Stevens replies, _That’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever read_.

_u back home??_

_Yeah, just got back._

_wanna skype_

Stevens sighs. It’s late and he shouldn’t, but he has tomorrow off, and, if he’s honest with himself, he has to admit that he misses talking to Kelly. Their schedules clashed like never before during the past two weeks, so they’ve mostly been texting. Stevens would most likely end up hating himself one second later if he said no, so he texts back, _Give me five minutes?_

Kelly tells him to call whenever he’s ready. Stevens takes his time getting some water and putting on his pajamas and picking up his laptop on his way to his bedroom. He’s trying to somehow prepare himself, but he already knows that the sight of Kelly is going to knock the air right out of him. That’s just the way it is. That’s the way it’s going to be for a while.

Stevens has barely clicked the call button when Kelly answers. The video is grainy at first, but then there’s Kelly, hair hanging into his eyes, smiling broadly. He’s wearing the ugliest Aces Christmas sweater Stevens has ever laid eyes on. And he looks good in it. It’s really not fair.

“Nice sweater,” Stevens says.

“I know, right? Did you see that holiday video we did? We had to wear these for it and I stole it, because I not-so-secretly love it. I mean, it’s actually way too warm, but I wanted to show you. Do the Schooners have sweaters like this?”

“I’m sure we do, but thankfully no one made me wear one.”

Kelly laughs and pulls off the sweater. “That’s better…” He’s wearing a shirt under it that he quickly tugs back into place. _Aces Hockey_. There’s a 65 above the logo. Stevens has the same one somewhere in his closet with a 29 on it. Sometimes he misses the Aces a lot. And then sometimes he’s not sure if it’s really the Aces he misses or if it’s just Kelly.

“Did you have a good time at Parser’s?” Stevens asks.

“I so did. There was so much food. I’m pretty sure Swoops made at least some of it himself. He doesn’t really look like he’d be good at cooking, right? Anyway, it was amazing, honestly, it was food heaven. How was dinner with Oaksy and the boys?”

“Pretty good.”

“Nice,” Kelly says. “Swoops had this really good chocolate mousse for dessert and when I ate it, I sort of had an out-of-body experience or something. It was almost as good as those cupcakes you made for my birthday that one time.”

“Those were good cupcakes.”

“Damn good cupcakes. You know, you could ship me some for my birthday next year.”

Stevens grins. “Sure.”

“Don’t say _sure_ if you don’t mean it.” Kelly leans back and pulls his laptop with him. Stevens has no idea how on earth he’s holding it, but it’s way too close to his face. He can see every single freckle on Kelly’s face like this.

Stevens doesn’t say anything; he’s too busy staring.

It’s not something that’ll throw off Kelly, though. He’s always been better at talking and at finding the right words than Stevens will ever be. “Anyway, how are you? All good?”

“Yeah, don’t worry,” Stevens say. He missed a couple of games, but he’s back, and he’s perfectly fine. Nothing to worry about.

“Good. The next time we play the Aeros, I’m gonna fight Holloway.”

“Please don’t.”

“What, you think I can’t do it because he’s bigger than me? I’m gonna ask Ivan to teach me to how to fight.”

“Ivan has never fought anyone in his life, he just glares.”

Kelly laughs. It’s the full eyes-closed-and-wheezing sort of thing.

Stevens misses him. It’s nothing new, but it’s truer now than it was ever before. He misses Kelly, and right now he wants nothing more than to be back in Vegas and sit on the couch or in his bed with him and watch a cheesy Christmas movie and have Kelly cuddle up to him.

He thought it was weird at first. The cuddling. But it’s just what Kelly does, and Stevens got used to it quickly and he found that he actually liked having Kelly’s head on his shoulder, that he liked putting his arm around him, that he liked having someone curl against him. Sometimes Kelly came into his room to talk, and sometimes he fell asleep there, and Stevens misses that too, especially after last summer.

The first time Kelly fell asleep in his bed, Stevens tried to wake him up, shook him gently until Kelly’s eyelids fluttered and he said, “Huh?”

“You’re sleeping,” Stevens said, very eloquently.

“Yeah,” Kelly replied and closed his eyes and went right back to sleep. And then Stevens decided that there was enough room for both of them in his bed and left him be. He fell asleep a lot quicker than he thought he would that night, but woke up two hours later when Kelly elbowed him in the ribs.

It’s something he had to deal with last summer as well, but he liked falling asleep next to Kelly, and he liked waking up next to him even better. He liked it so much that the kicking was a price he was willing to pay. He gladly put up with Kelly pulling away the sheets and occasionally mumbling right into his ear in the middle of the night.

Stevens has gone out with a few girls here and there ever since he moved to Seattle, and some of them ended up in his apartment, and some of them ended up in his bed, but it never turned into anything serious. And it never really helped him forget about Kelly. Then he met that guy last summer in that club back home, and he thought, for a second, that if he could just stop being scared, he could do this and be happy and forget that he was in love with his best friend. But he couldn’t stop being scared, not until he was a little tipsy and he was standing in Kelly’s parents’ kitchen.

He almost let go of all the doubts there, almost shoved all his fears aside, and maybe it’s for the best that nothing happened, but Stevens still thinks about it. He wonders about all the _could have been_ s. He wishes he could stop.

Kelly was in Seattle with the Aces at the beginning of the month and they went out to dinner and all Stevens thought was, _I could tell him, I could just… do it. Tell the truth. Kiss him. Figure it out somehow._ But there’s really no way they can figure this out, so he tried to be a good friend, tried not to look like he was having the worst existential crisis of his life, and let Kelly do most of the talking.

He does the same thing tonight.

Stevens loves the sound of Kelly’s voice. He always sounds like he’s smiling.

“By the way, my mom sent me the cutest picture of Charlie earlier…” Kelly holds up his phone to show it to Stevens. Apparently Charlie doesn’t mind wearing a Santa hat.

Kelly whips out a few stories about the Aces and Stevens talks about the Schooners’ holiday party for a while, and so the minutes tick by, and suddenly it’s one in the morning. Then Kelly talks about getting his first hockey stick for Christmas, then he says, “Remember when we put bows on Sunny’s stick,” and they start rehashing stories from their rookie year, and suddenly it’s two in the morning.

By the time Kelly falls asleep, it’s almost three. He’s curled up on his side, his laptop next to him, and Stevens is telling Kelly about that time his grandparents gave him tickets to a Bruins game for Christmas. Kelly is smiling, but Stevens doesn’t miss that his eyelids keep fluttering dangerously.

Kelly falls asleep with that smile still on his face, and Stevens stops talking. He should just hang up. Kelly’s probably not going to wake up any time soon and Stevens should have gone to bed ages ago, but he can’t bring himself to end that call.

Kelly scrunches up his nose and nuzzles into his duvet and Stevens knows that even if they’d kissed last summer, he’d still be here and Kelly would still be in Vegas right now, but that doesn’t keep him from imagining what it’d be like to be there. He could run his fingers through Kelly’s hair and maybe kiss his temple, and lie down next to him, close enough to feel his warmth.

Stevens stares for another minute, then he ends the call.

*

They finally talk when Kelly is in Seattle with the Aces for the second time this season. They tried to ignore it all, but in the end this talk was long overdue.

Kelly asks him what he wants. And Stevens knows what he wants, he’s never been so sure. He wants to be with Kelly, but Kelly lives in Vegas, and Stevens can’t deal with never seeing him, only being with him a few times during the season. It’d kill him. It’s already killing him, and they’re just friends.

So when Kelly asks, Stevens tells him the truth. He says, “I can’t do the long-distance thing.”

He’s relieved when Kelly doesn’t try to argue and curls up next to him on the couch, almost like he’s trying to tell him that it’s okay, that they’re still the same people they used to be. Still friends. _Just_ friends. 

*

“Sweetie…”

Stevens only groans quietly. It takes him a moment to remember where he is and who’s talking to him.

“Sorry, were you asleep?”

“Yeah, no, I was just dozing a little,” Stevens says and blinks at his mom, who’s hovering above him, looking mildly concerned. He was sleeping like a baby. In the shade, under his stepdad’s apple tree. And he’s wearing sunglasses so of course his mom couldn’t tell that he was actually asleep. “What’s up?”

His mom holds up his phone. “It keeps ringing and I thought it might be important.”

“Oh, uh… thanks, I’ll check.”

He forgot to bring his phone outside; he’s not expecting any important calls. The Schooners’ group chat is pretty quiet these days. As it turns out, it’s Kelly who has been calling him. It looks like he gave up after three tries and sent a couple of texts instead:

_i cant believe ur not answering ur phone_

_I FOUND AN APARTMENT!!!_

_CALL ME!!!!_

_(if u have time)_

Stevens grins down at his phone and pulls up Kelly’s number to call him back.

Honestly, he was a little worried about Kelly after he got traded to the Falconers. Because Kelly was actually heartbroken and when he called Stevens that day, he spent two minutes telling Stevens how everything was going to be fine and then five minutes crying before he got another word out.

Stevens almost hopped on a plane just to make sure Kelly was okay in person.

It was an unexpected trade and it took everyone by surprise. Stevens understood that it was a fantastic deal for the Aces, but the news still left him with a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he caught himself thinking that, even though it was perfectly clear that they’d never be more than friends, now it would be even harder for them to be together.

Kelly picks up after a few rings and he’s breathless, like he just ran to his phone. “Stevie!”

“Hey,” Stevens says. “I hear there’s good news?”

“I found the perfect apartment,” Kelly shouts. “It has… loads of things that apartments are supposed to have.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“The shower is _huge_.”

“Nice.”

“I mean, I’ll be showering at the rink a lot, but…” Kelly pauses and Stevens can practically see him shrug. “Anyway, it has a spare room, but I was thinking… I’ve never lived alone, you know? So maybe I’ll try that. Not sure what I’ll put in that room. Maybe it could be a guest room? Oh, and the living room is great too and I’m gonna buy the biggest couch I can find.”

“Sounds good,” Stevens says, even though he’s not sure what to think about Kelly wanting to live on his own. Maybe Kelly has grown up a lot ever since Stevens left Vegas, but he still remembers Julian “I don’t know how grocery shopping works” Keller.

“Yeah,” Kelly says, “Jack helped me out a lot. It’s in the building he used to live in.” Kelly falls silent and then clears his throat a moment later. “You’re still at your parents’ place, right?”

“Right.”

“And Providence isn’t that far away, right?”

Stevens already knows where this is going. “Right.”

Kelly’s quiet for another moment that seems to stretch out forever. Then he asks, in a rush, “Do you wanna come by and look at my apartment?”

“I, uh… I guess I’d have to ask my mom if I can borrow her car.”

“Okay.”

Maybe that wasn’t the most enthusiastic thing Stevens could have said. The problem is, he’s pretty sure that seeing Kelly in person is going to do horrible things to him, but they’re still best friends, and Stevens’ best friend wants to show him his new apartment and he can’t say no to that. “I’d love to come by, though,” Stevens says, “so I’ll make it work somehow. I can rent a car.”

“Cool, that’d be… yeah, I just need to figure some things out, like, I don’t have furniture right now, but we can just… hang out somewhere else. I literally have no idea where you can hang out in Providence, but I’m guessing I can ask the guys. Some of them have been texting me. You know, Hawk, mostly, because Swoops apparently told him to keep an eye on me. And, like, Jack Zimmermann is texting me? He met up with me and helped find this place? Which is pretty weird, honestly. I mean, it’s also really nice of him, but he’s… Jack Zimmermann.”

“Yeah,” Stevens says. “He seems like a nice guy, though.”

“He really is. I mean, most of the Falcs are nice guys. Off the ice at least.”

“Definitely.”

Kelly remains quiet then, and Stevens wonders if he should ask him if he’s okay, because chances are that he isn’t, not really, not just yet, and Stevens knows he’d make it worse by asking.

“It’s all pretty stressful, huh?” Stevens asks. It’s vague enough.

“A bit,” Kelly says. “It was just… unexpected. And now I have all this stuff to take care of, but I actually just want to sleep for about a week.”

Stevens understands what that feels like. “Take a break, Kells.”

“I am taking a break right now.”

“No, I mean, actually do nothing for a bit and relax.”

“I get bored when I’m not doing anything.”

Stevens only sighs. Sometimes Kelly doesn’t exactly make things easy for him.

“Sorry, you’re just trying to help,” Kelly mutters. “Anyway, I have an apartment, so that’s good at least.”

“I’m gonna talk to my mom about going to Providence, okay?”

“Okay,” Kelly says. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For… I don’t know. Just thanks.” Kelly lets out a small sigh. “I should go, I still have to call a bunch of people.”

“I’ll call you about when I’m coming to Providence.”

They say goodbye and hang up and Stevens is already trying to figure out how he’s supposed to act normal around Kelly when all he wants to do is kiss him.

*

When Stevens visits Kelly in Providence, he already has some furniture. But that’s pretty much all he has. Kelly has one bowl and two plates. No glasses. A bunch of mugs. Two knives. No cutting board. He’s managed to buy a coffeemaker and a microwave, but he doesn’t have a whisk or a spatula. He does, however, have a Batman logo ice cube tray. Stevens tries to only judge him a little bit.  

They decide to drive to IKEA, even though there’s a bunch of other places that sell kitchen supplies that are much closer. Kelly really loves IKEA for some reason and it takes them away from Kelly’s apartment for a while, which is in Stevens’ best interest because in Kelly’s apartment it’d just be the two of them.

They hugged earlier, in Kelly’s mostly empty kitchen. Stevens can still feel it somehow, even now that Kelly’s looking for a parking spot in front of IKEA, humming along to a song on the radio that Stevens has never heard before.

Stevens knows that he should stop having feelings for Kelly, but that’s not how it works. There’s no off switch and he can’t cut Kelly off completely, which means he’ll somehow have to deal with having feelings for Kelly for a while longer. He’s not sure if it makes him feel better or worse that he’s not alone in this. He saw the way Kelly looked at him earlier, and when they hugged, Kelly almost wouldn’t let go. Stevens didn’t want him to either.

“All right,” Kelly says when he finally pulls into a parking spot. “Ready?”

“Not even a little bit.”

“Aw, Stevie, come on…”

“I already know that you’re gonna steal twenty pencils and that you’re gonna try to buy five bags of frozen meatballs.”

“No offense, but what’s wrong with buying five bags of frozen meatballs?”

“You need plates. And glasses.”

Kelly grins. “And five bags of frozen meatballs.”

“We’ll see about that,” Stevens says and gets out of the car.

Kelly follows at his heels and gives him a gentle shove. “You’re not my real mom.”

“Yeah, thank fuck.”

Going to IKEA with Kelly is an experience.

They look at the furniture first, even though Kelly has bought pretty much everything he needs already. They sit on couches and armchairs and then Stevens has to talk Kelly out of buying a weirdly shaped rocking chair. They hang out in living rooms and wander through bedrooms and Stevens catches himself thinking that if he wanted to kiss Kelly here in a fake IKEA bedroom, he could.

Then a couple walks past and one of them points at the lamp, but is dragged away by her partner and Stevens quickly snaps out of it. They’re still in public.

If Kelly notices that Stevens is staring at him, he doesn’t say anything. He’s probably too distracted by the fuzzy pillows on the bed. He tells Stevens that he’ll pick up one of those later, because apparently the roughly fifteen pillows he already has on his couch aren’t enough.

Once they’re downstairs and picking out plates, Kelly apparently feels like he has to buy everything all of a sudden.

“What about these?”

“I’m pretty sure they’re for making jam,” Stevens says.

“I should get them.”

“Have you ever made jam?”

“No, but maybe I’ll want to.”

Stevens gently takes the jam jars away from Kelly and pushes him along, because otherwise they’ll never get out of here.

“Oh, I should get these.”

“Ice pop makers?” Stevens asks. “Seriously?”

“They’re colorful,” Kelly says and dumps them in their shopping cart with a gleeful grin on his face.

“Well, it’s your money.”

When they’ve made it through the sections with the dinnerware and the cooking supplies, Kelly has everything he absolutely needs, and also some things he’ll likely never use. Kelly probably won’t be cooking a lot, or at least he won’t be making anything complicated, but Stevens might come over at some point and cook for Kelly, and then he’ll be glad that he convinced Kelly to get a garlic press.

He’d like that. Hanging out at Kelly’s apartment. It’s what they usually do anyway, or it’s what they used to do when the Aces were in Seattle and when the Schooners were in Vegas. But now that they’re playing on different coasts they’ll only see each other twice during the regular season. Which isn’t all that often. And now there’s not just 3000 miles between them, but Kelly is also three hours ahead and that’ll make talking a lot harder in general.

And that’s exactly what Stevens needs. Less time to talk to Kelly. Less time to think about him. He’d hate it, though. He even hates the thought of it.

“I should totally buy one of those sharks.”

Next to a crate full of pillows – there’s already one of the fuzzy ones in their cart – is a crate full of stuffed animals.

“Nah,” Stevens says and picks up what is probably supposed to be a broccoli, “you should get this one.”

“Ew.”

“Actually, I think I’m gonna buy it for you.”

“Dude, no, if you buy it for me, I’m gonna have to like that broccoli. No thanks.”

“Yeah, I am _so_ buying it for you.”

“Fine,” Kelly says and struts off with their cart, “but that’s the only broccoli I’ll ever like.”

Stevens laughs and follows Kelly to the checkout lines, the stuffed broccoli under his arm. He likes the thought of buying something for Kelly that he’ll have lying around in his apartment.

Because maybe Kelly will think of him every time he looks at that broccoli, just like Stevens thinks about Kelly whenever he looks at that book he got for him. Or that mug he took to Seattle. Or the picture on his fridge that someone snapped after their first game together. And maybe it’ll make Kelly happy, just like all those other things make Stevens happy.

When they’re back in the car, Kelly says, “I’m naming the broccoli after you.”

“Of course you are,” Stevens only says.

*

It’s late when Kelly calls. Well, it’s not that late for Stevens, but Kelly just got back home from a game in Boston.

Stevens had just ended a call with his mom when Kelly messaged him, asking if he had time to talk, and it took him completely by surprise. He watched the Falcs game. They won. Kelly scored twice and got an assist on Hawk’s goal, so Stevens isn’t sure why he looks completely miserable when Stevens answers his call.

“Hey, what’s up?” Stevens says.

“Hey,” Kelly says, but doesn’t tell him what’s up.

“Everything okay?”

“I… Yeah. No. It’s stupid.”

“Tell me anyway.”

Kelly doesn’t say anything, he looks around and pulls a pillow into his lap. The broccoli Stevens bought for him is right next to him, but Stevens doesn’t give himself a second to smile about it. He’s worried. Kelly isn’t talking and that’s never a good sign.

“Your parents are okay, right?”

Kelly nods.

“Is it the team? Did anyone… Are you getting along with everyone?”

“Yeah, the team’s great,” Kelly says, but he still looks like he’s about to burst into tears. “They’re all… great.”

“Good.”

Kelly hugs his pillow a little tighter.

“Kells?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s wrong?”

Kelly takes a deep breath. “Well, I guess I thought I was finally getting used to living here, and as I said, the guys are great, and everything’s fine, I shouldn’t feel bad, but I _am_ feeling bad and I want it to go away, but I don’t even know why I’m feeling like this, so I don’t know what to do about it, which is pretty much why I’m bothering you in the middle of the night.” Kelly sniffles and wipes at his cheek with the sleeve of his shirt.

“You’re not bothering me.”

“You like going to bed early,” Kelly says and his voice cracks and Stevens kind of wants to reach through the screen and hug him.

“It’s not that late,” Stevens says. “But maybe you should go to bed? I bet you’re exhausted and that probably makes you feel even worse.”

“Probably,” Kelly mutters.

“Give that broccoli a hug and go to sleep.”

Kelly picks up the broccoli and hides his face behind it. “Okay.”

“And ask the guys if they want to hang out tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“So you’re not alone,” Stevens says. That’s probably the actual problem. Kelly hates being alone and it’s different now that he has his own apartment, because back in Vegas, there was usually someone else around anyway.

Kelly resurfaces from behind his broccoli. “Huh, yeah, good idea.”

“If no one has time, you can call me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Of course, because Stevens both loves and hates it when their schedules line up like this and it’s easy to find the time for a quick call, or for a long call even.

Sometimes he feels like he misses Kelly even more when they’re talking to each other.

*

A few weeks go by until Stevens goes to Providence with the Schooners. Kelly invites him over, and they eat pizza and watch a movie, only Stevens isn’t really paying attention to the movie they’re watching. He’s not paying attention to anything other than Kelly.

Stevens already feels like a complete asshole, sitting way too close to Kelly, putting his arm around him. They’re talking, occasionally glancing at the TV, and Stevens just can’t help himself, which is a horrible excuse – actually, it’s no excuse at all. He wants to kiss Kelly so much that he can barely think straight.

He doesn’t go that far. At least he manages that, but, just for a second, he brushes his fingers against the back of Kelly’s neck, and the looks Kelly gives him is accusing, but there’s longing in it too.

For a moment, Stevens thinks he could kiss him and get away with it and not be afraid of it. It’s not just that he’s scared that he wouldn’t be able to handle a long-distance relationship. He’s scared of losing Kelly, of not having him in his life anymore because he messed it all up. 

Kelly reaches for the remote and the TV goes dark and it’s quiet for a few seconds before Kelly says, “I met a guy, Stevie.”

It feels a bit like someone punched him in the gut. He knew this might happen, because it’s Kelly and it’s so hard not to love him, but Stevens can’t be jealous right now. Well. He can be jealous, but now is not the time to show it. “You did?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Kelly says. “New Year’s Eve. At Jack’s party.”

“And, uh…” Is there a right or wrong thing to say here? In the end, he goes with, “What’s he like?” He doesn’t really need a list of all the ways that guy is better than him, but he probably deserves this. He wasn’t brave enough, it’s his own damn fault.

“His name’s Sam,” Kelly says. “He’s a chef. And he’s pretty much one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met in my entire life. Doesn’t know a thing about hockey, but he doesn’t mind if I talk about it anyway.” He looks away then, his face going red. “I kissed him.”

Honestly? Stevens has never been this jealous in his entire life. He’s never felt this rejected. At the same time, he hates that he can’t be happy for Kelly. This probably makes him a terrible person and an even more terrible friend. “You did?” Stevens says. He’s sort of starting to wish he’d made up some mysterious illness and stayed at the hotel tonight.

Kelly shoots him a look. He knows how Stevens feels about him, so he surely also knows that Stevens isn’t exactly enjoying this conversation. Kelly sighs. “It sucked.”

This is not going where Stevens thought it was going. He clears his throat. He’s dying to find out what went wrong there. “Why?”

“Because,” Kelly says, “all I kept thinking about was that I’d rather be kissing you. And he was a really good kisser, you know? He was– I liked him. But I didn’t like him as much as I like you.”

Stevens isn’t sure how he’s thinking so many things at the same time. He’s trying to ignore the bit where that other guy was apparently a really good kisser and focus more on the part where Kelly would have rather kissed him. Kelly likes him. And he wants to kiss him, and Stevens knew that, of course he knew, but hearing him say it like this, like he’s not afraid of it, like it’s a fact, makes Stevens feel a little more brave. He somehow can’t put any of that into words, though, so he just says, “Oh.”

“Can you maybe say more than that? I’m totally gonna lose my shit. I’m so tired of this. Aren’t you tired? Don’t you just want to–”

Stevens wants. He understands what’s happening here. He’s getting another chance to be brave and he sure as hell won’t miss this one. He reaches out to Kelly and curls his fingers around the back of his neck. “I do,” he says.

“Well, then…” Kelly pulls him closer by his shirt. He hesitates for a split-second before he leans in, then suddenly he’s so close that Stevens could count his eyelashes.

As much as Stevens wants to kiss Kelly right now, he doesn’t go for it right away. He doesn’t want to lead him on, doesn’t want to make any promises, because he can’t. “I have no idea what’s going to happen after this,” Stevens says.

Kelly stares at him, his brown eyes wide. It doesn’t take him long to make up his mind. “Neither do I,” he says softly. “It’s okay.”

When Stevens leans in to kiss Kelly, he isn’t scared anymore. He’s nervous, and excited, and he wants to laugh, because he’s so happy. Kelly kisses him like it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted to do in his whole life and Stevens pulls him as close as he can, into his lap, into his arms. Kelly is a little clumsy, a little nervous too, and kisses Stevens’ lips, and then his cheek, and his jaw, like he can’t decide, like he wants to kiss Stevens everywhere at once.

Kelly knocks their noses together and mumbles a quiet, “Sorry.”

Stevens can’t help but laugh. “S’okay,” he says, “just slow down a little…” He runs his fingers through Kelly’s hair and kisses him. He didn’t really think about it before, but this is the first time he’s ever kissed a guy. He doesn’t think too much about it right now either. He does think about the fact that he’s kissing Kelly, though. He’s wanted this for so long, has imagined it so many times, and now that it’s really happening, Stevens thinks he might actually be dreaming.

Kelly is so close, so warm, his lips a little chapped, but so eager, his hands in Stevens’ hair. As their kisses grow deeper, Stevens grows a little bolder and lets his hands roam again. Kelly’s skin is soft under his fingertips and Kelly pushes even closer when Stevens’ hands slip under his shirt.

Eventually, Kelly just snuggles against him, his head on Stevens’ shoulder. Stevens keeps his arms wrapped around him, and they don’t talk. Stevens doesn’t feel like they need to. It’s still him who finally breaks the silence. “Hey,” he says and nudges Kelly, so he’ll lie down on the couch with him. “Come here.”

For a while, they lie next to each other, Kelly’s hand resting against Stevens’ chest, Stevens stroking Kelly’s hair until Kelly grows restless and shifts, his fingers twitching, curling into Stevens’ shirt, and Kelly starts kissing him again. If Stevens could stay right here in this moment forever, he would, no questions asked. For a little while, he manages to push away the thought that he’ll have to leave soon, but that doesn’t make the seconds tick by any slower.

He has no idea what time it is, exactly, so he lets go of Kelly and grabs his phone. It a lot later than he thought it was. “I have about half an hour until I have to leave,” he says. He can tell that Kelly doesn’t like it; he almost looks like he’s pouting.

Kelly bumps his nose against Stevens’. “Or you could just stay here.”

It’s tempting. He’d like to fall asleep next to Kelly; he’d even put up with Kelly kicking him in the shin in the middle of the night. But he can’t. “Curfew,” Stevens only says.

“I know,” Kelly says, making a face. “Next time I’ll just sneak into your hotel room.”

_Next time_. Next time would be next season.

“Unless there won’t be a next time,” Kelly adds.

The thing is, Stevens has no idea. That’s what he meant when he said that he wasn’t sure what was going to happen after this. It’s starting to creep up on him now, that feeling that he made a mistake. They just dove into this without a plan, and maybe Kelly can deal with not knowing, maybe Stevens thought he could, but right now he’s overwhelmed by all the things this could mean for them.

This is exactly what Stevens was afraid of. That he might hurt Kelly. “I don’t know if there’ll be a next time, I don’t–” He doesn’t have all the answers. He didn’t think this through. “We really need to talk about this. But I’m leaving town tomorrow after the game and then we won’t get another chance to see each other until the end of the season.”

“Okay, so, when the season’s over I’ll come to Seattle or you’ll come here and we’ll just… figure this out.”

It’s sounds strangely easy when Kelly says it, but Stevens doesn’t manage to shake off his doubts. “Do you really think we can figure this out?” It seems impossible to him.

“I want to,” Kelly says.

“Sometimes wanting something isn’t enough, Kells.”

“Why do you always–” Kelly pulls away and sits up, which is how Stevens can tell that he fucked up. Kelly can have entire conversations curled up against someone, but now he’s angry, now he doesn’t want Stevens touching him anymore. “It’s like you don’t even wanna try to make this work.”

Again, Kelly makes it sound like this is a problem that could be solved easily. But it isn’t. “This?” Stevens asks. He sits up as well. Maybe he’s being too harsh with Kelly, but Kelly is approaching this in a _we don’t need a plan, it’ll work out somehow_ kind of way, and Stevens can’t handle that kind of uncertainty. “What would you say is this?”

“I don’t know,” Kelly says lowly.

Stevens already regrets snapping at Kelly. He needs to calm down, because he knows Kelly and he knows what he sounds like when he’s hurt. This is the opposite of what he wanted. “I want to take you out on dates, Kelly,” Stevens says. “I want to sleep in the same bed with you and I want to have breakfast with you in the morning. And that’s not going to happen.”

“I want that too,” Kelly says. “But we can do that in the summer and during the season we’ll just… we’ll talk on Skype and we’ll text and we each have a bye week, right? I mean, I went to the beach with the guys this year but next time I could come to Seattle and hang out with you, or I could meet you wherever the hell you are with the team.”

Stevens doesn’t reply right away. Maybe Kelly does have a plan, but the distance isn’t the only problem. Everything’s up in the air. Would they keep their relationship a secret? Would they tell their teams? Would they come out together? It’s a lot to think about.

Kelly takes Stevens’ hand. “Are you at least gonna think about it? Like, take your time and write a pro and con list, I don’t care, but just think about it.” He looks so hopeful that Stevens almost wants to say, _Sure, whatever you want, we’ll do it, we’ll be okay_. But he owes Kelly the truth, and the truth is that Stevens isn’t sure about this, or about what he wants, or about where he wants to go from here. Kelly squeezes his hand. “Okay?”

Stevens gives Kelly’s hand a squeeze in return. Essentially, they’re putting it all on hold until Stevens has made up his mind and he doesn’t like that either, but it’s much better than saying yes or no to this right away. He couldn’t do either of that and be okay with it. So, yes, he’ll think about it, because, in the end, time to think is what he really needs. “Okay,” he says.

“So,” Kelly says. He’s almost smiling again. “We still have a couple of minutes, right?”

“We do,” Stevens confirms.

“All right,” Kelly says and just like that he’s back in Stevens’ lap, not kissing him, just holding on to him. “I don’t think I’m gonna fight you tomorrow.”

Stevens does not say _I love you_ right there and then, but it’s a close call. Instead he laughs and leans back, pulling Kelly with him. “Aren’t you just the nicest guy in the NHL.”

“They should give me an award for that.”

Stevens kisses Kelly’s temple. It’s something he’s always wanted to do. “They should.”

He makes a mental note to get a Nicest Guy in the NHL award for Kelly sometime.

The minutes they have left together tick by so fast that they feel more like a few seconds. Kelly takes him to the door and kisses him, standing on his tiptoes, Stevens holding him up so he won’t fall over.

“So you’ll think you about it?” Kelly asks.

“I’ll think about it,” Stevens replies. He gives Kelly one more hug before he goes. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For letting me think about it.” He lets go and smiles down at Kelly. He’s going to miss him when he goes back to Seattle. “And for the pizza.”

Kelly laughs. “Sure. Anytime.”

Yeah. Stevens is going to miss him like hell.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you so much for the comments and the kudos!
> 
> I'm @zimmermaenner on tumblr if anyone has any rookies fic inquiries.


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